last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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