Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
