Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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