I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
