pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
