that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
