True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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