if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
