I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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