Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Acid is not a monday night drug
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
