i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
