I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Found your dick twin last night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
