Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
