First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
