watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
