This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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