I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
