4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
