dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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