I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
