I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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