last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
