u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
