I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
