What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I need to calm my uterus...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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