This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
This toilet bowl is my home.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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