I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
