I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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