i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
