i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
this boner is exhausting
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
