And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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