i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
