I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
