well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
