I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
