and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
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please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
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Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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