so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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