I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
