I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
