I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
