Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
