I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This baby is an asshole
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
