i was born a porn star she said
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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