Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
And then he peed in my hair
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