The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
