I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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