I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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