Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize