He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
