I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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