What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
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I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
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I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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