last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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