fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
