go do what you do best...puke behind churches
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
