Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I look better un-naked...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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