i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
