i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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