I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
