I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
