Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
