I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
FUCK WHALES
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
