I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Randomize
