How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She tied me up with her honor cords...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
