you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
