the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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